True North
by Moonlit Tides
Summary: As Jon looks out to the sea at Dragonstone, he is consumed with anxiety about The Army of the Dead and his seemingly failed attempt at an alliance with Daenerys. Lost in the dark void of his own mind, it's thoughts of Winterfell and Sansa that give him the clarity and comfort he needs. Jonsa one-shot based on 7x03. The inner workings of Jon's brooding.


Jon stands atop the mountain and looks out at the beautiful landscape of Dragonstone, with it's crystal blue waters and jagged mountains laced with long grass shades of yellow, orange and green. Jon closes his eyes and inhales deeply, the smell of the salty sea air filling him up from the inside. The sounds of the waves crashing against the shore are the only sounds that can be heard and he wills the beauty and silence to take away his troubled thoughts.

It was a mistake to come here. His advisers warned him - just as any rational adviser with any semblance of sense would - and so did Sansa. Sansa appealed to him on numerous occasions, both in public and in private, begging him to reconsider and reminding him of the endless risks involved in travelling to Dragonstone to meet with Daenerys Targaryen.

Every bit as stubborn as Sansa, Jon did not relent and against his own better judgement, made the decision, as King, to override all of the advice given to him in pursuit of the one goal that drives him his every waking moment - destroying the White Army.

Had Tyrion not been the one to write him in his own hand extending the invite to Dragonstone, had he not recieved word from Sam at The Citidel that Dragonstone was home to a hoard of Dragonglass and had he the forces in the North to overthrow the White Army alone, he may have been more likely to heed the warnings and follow the advice of his sister and advisers.

But the opportunity to form an alliance with someone in command of a strong army of Dothraki and Unsullied, who is also in possession of three grown dragons and an array of Dragonglass that can be mined to form weapons, was one Jon simply could not refuse.

It was not a decision he took lightly, though it might have appeared that way. After having spent such a period of time at Castle Black and beyond The Wall, Jon had become accustomed to never feeling the comfort of home, of never belonging - a never ending curse of being a bastard that had plagued Jon since he could remember. Ygritte always encouraged him to see the endless possibilities and beauty in freedom that came with The Wildling way of life, yet as much as he tried, he could never quite see the things she saw the way she saw them. He still craved to belong, to be _home_. He prayed for it, to both the old gods and the new.

A prayer which was answered the moment he saw Sansa's red hair and kind face that day at Castle Black. His heart exploded with an inexpiable emotion of pure and unadulterated joy, the likes of which Jon could not recall ever feeling before that day. And though he had not yet returned to Winterfell, the second Sansa was in his arms he truly felt he had returned _home_.

After that, he was not concerned with reclaiming Winterfell. Having found Sansa was enough in itself and he could not fathom risking her safety or his, even if it meant being able to walk the grounds of Winterfell once more. Yet, though Jon was not truly a Stark, he _was_ a Northman, and no matter how long he was away from Winterfell, it still called to him like a silent beacon, strong, true and unrelenting.

The day he and Sansa reclaimed it and he saw the Stark flags hanging from the wall, he felt he had recovered a piece of him that he hadn't even realised was missing. In that moment he wasn't just home, he was actually _safe_ \- and more importantly, so was Sansa -something he never believed he would feel again in his lifetime.

Within the walls of Winterfell and with Sansa by his side Jon almost felt invincible. He discovered a new found strength deep within himself that had long since lay dormant and the sheer comfort and security of being _home_ with _family_ was an emotion Jon never again wanted to be without. Since he had been resurrected he almost felt that he was nothing more than a reanimated corpse, utterly exhausted and sick to death of the endless fight that seemed to be his life. But with Sansa he felt truly alive again. With her, he remembered how to smile, how to laugh, how to _feel_.

For that reason, he was adamant that he would never again leave Winterfell or separate from Sansa. A childish and unrealistic desire, that he knew he would be impossible and even more so once he was crowned King in the North. He knew his kingly duties would eventually call him to leave Winterfell on political and military pursuits.

He had hoped, however, that they wouldn't have called him away so soon.

He looks across the sea towards the North, every ounce of his being aching to return to Winterfell, _to_ _Sansa_. He is too stubborn and proud to admit it aloud, but Sansa was right. He is nothing more than a Northern fool making the same mistakes his father made and his father before him. What good did he think would come from attempting to form an alliance with the daughter of The Mad King? Jon actually snorts down his nose in amusement at his own stupidity. He believed that Tyrion being her hand was a positive sign. Jon knows Tyrion to be an intelligent and good man that would only serve a deserving and worthy leader, but Jon seems to have been mistaken. Though he is unwilling to condemn Daenerys Targaryen as being as mad or evil as her father, he is certain that there is no hope of a beneficial alliance being agreed upon.

He never did consider how he would convince a stranger that knows nothing of him to believe his word on the existence of an enemy believed to be dead for hundreds of years. Just one of the many details Jon failed to consider when he made the decision to come to Dragonstone. Northern fool, indeed.

Part of him questioned whether he should give Daenerys what she asked for. Surely it is worth bending the knee if it means being able to acquire the forces and weapons he needs to defeat the Army of the Dead? Jon knows this to be true, yet he cannot and _will not_ retract his refusal to kneel to someone he knows nothing of and has no loyalty to. Daenerys Targaryen may have earned the trust and loyalty of the Unsullied by freeing them from their chains and the Dothraki for being their saviour, but she has done nothing to earn the same from Jon. No, he refuses to bend the knee. If he is to acquire what he needs and make the alliance he came here for, he will have to find another way.

Stubborn, proud and honorable. Maybe he _is_ a true Stark afterall.

The winds gust with more force causing Jon's cloak to flap aggressively and he welcomes the ice chill of it that causes goose pimples to prickle on his skin. Of all the things he expected to miss from home, he did not expect to miss the cold, but he does. He misses the white blanket of snow on the ground, the crunching it makes beneath his feet, the briskness of the winter winds on his face, the blanket of grey that covered the skies.

Oh, how he wishes he had his ship. If he had it, he swears he would climb aboard right this very second and sail for Winterfell. Part of him is even contemplating diving into the fierce seas right now and swimming back to a Winterfell himself.

As King he is sure he's supposed to have all the answers, but he doesn't know what to do. He is certain he has failed in his mission to gain an alliance, that he is a prisoner on this island and that one day soon he will be made to bend the knee to Daenerys Targaryen with brute force or manipulation. What in Gods name should he do to resolve that? He feels pitiful and pathetic, and cannot stop the wave of self-pity and broodiness that overtakes him.

He would give anything to see Sansa. Even for just a moment. Though he has an array of Northern men with him and Davos - who is not only his most trusted adviser but a good friend - none can compare to Sansa. She is unafraid of challenging him and her fierceness and unrestrained honesty forces him to question his decisions and counteracts his natural instinct to rule with his heart rather than his head. He may not always agree with her - in fact, more often than not he disagreed with her - but he trusts and respects her above anyone and for that reason her advice and counsel is invaluable to him.

He never expected that Sansa would ever become what she is to him now - his closest confidante, friend, adviser and well, everything really. He thought she would always be distant and unreachable, her mother's that always referred to him as 'half-brother' and viewed him with mild disdain and disapproval.

He didn't dislike Sansa as a child. He could never habour any ill feeling for a child so innocent, gentle and beautiful as Sansa, he just simply did not understand her. There are times still when he catches the reflection of something in her eyes that he cannot quite place, but in spite of that there is an unspoken understanding that exists between them now that makes him feel he knows her better than anyone in any of the Seven Kingdoms.

Though the suffering she's been subjected to and pain she has endured has forever changed her, Jon still sees the same sweet, gentle summer child at her core. Jon himself understands how tempting it is to cling to the rage, hatred and desire for vengeance when you have been so cruelly betrayed and mistreated, but Sansa doesn't. Despite everything she chooses to act on compassion and kindness - though not with the same naivety she did as a child - and her main desire is for justice rather than revenge. For that Jon's admiration for her is endless. He often curses himself for the fact that he ever considered her vulnerable, weak and frail. She is anything but. It is witnessing her strength and being in the presence of it that led to them reclaiming Winterfell, to Jon becoming King and even to this moment right now.

After the impossible things Jon has witnessed with his own eyes - the most recent being three grown dragons flying above his head - it is ironic that his relationship with Sansa is the one thing that is most surprising and unexpected to him. It is a closeness he has never felt with another human being before whereby just standing here without her is causing his chest to restrict to an almost painful extent.

He never thought he could feel such warmth for her...such...such... _such love._

He wonders what she's doing, how she is and whether she's thinking of him as he is thinking of her.

 _He hopes she is_.

Leaving Winterfell in her hands is perhaps the only wise decision Jon has made as of late and he knows with absolute certainty that she will be living up to her role as Queen in the North and most likely even surpassing Jon in his leadership skills. Tyrion was right, she _is_ smart. Much smarter than her ten and eight years and much smarter than many of the men Jon has ever had the pleasure to meet.

Yet, in spite of that, he cannot help but worry, particularly with that prick Littlefinger slithering about. "I love Sansa as I loved her mother." Jon should have fucking killed him right then and there.

He destroyed Ramsay Bolton with his own hands and would have finished the job - but he did not want to rob Sansa of that pleasure - and he would do the same in a heartbeat. Though he knows Sansa is more than capable of defending herself against any man or beast that came her way, he cannot suppress or control the primal and predatory instinct of protectiveness that he feels for Sansa. He would beat Littlefinger into oblivion, along with anyone else that threatened Sansa in any way.

Jon will go to any lengths to ensure Sansa's safety, integrity and agency. He will fight until his dying breath for her, he will do _anything_ and _everything._ At least that's what he tells himself. Yet here he is South at Dragonstone, whilst she is North at Winterfell without his protection. He takes some comfort in knowing Brienne is never far from her side, but nothing can substitute the comfort of knowing he is there to protect her. He is the only one he can count on to keep her truly safe.

Sansa has told Jon on more than one occasion that he cannot protect her, that no one can and that revelation eats away at him inside.

Jon's worries are numerous and chaotic. He burdens himself with the responsibilities of many - of the entire world, in fact - yet the constant weight of that pales in comparison to how he feels for Sansa.

Night and day he is consumed with her, whether he is with her or apart from her. Though he has to admit, the amount he has thought of Sansa since leaving Winterfell has taken even him by surprise. He has mostly been focused on his alliance with Daenerys Targaryen and strategy for defeating the Army of the Dead, but thoughts of Sansa have still consistently found their way into the corners of his mind, always pushing their way to the front.

But now is when he thinks of her most and the feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and loneliness make him realise just how desperately he misses her.

Being separated from his loved ones is not exactly an uncommon occurrence in Jon's life, but he has never felt it weighing this heavily on him before. There were moments at Castle Black in those first weeks after he left Winterfell, that he would feel an ache whenever thoughts of his siblings entered his mind, but he has never felt anything quite like this. He feels fragile, as though he is about to shatter into a million pieces.

Even the beautiful sight before him begins to look alien as he becomes overwhelmed with just how much he wants to return home, and as he once became convinced of his own delusion that he would never leave Winterfell or Sansa, he now believes that the purpose of his visit to Dragonstone and mission to defeat the Army of the Dead are both invalid and unimportant.

All that matters, all he desires is to be safe once again within the walls of Winterfell with Sansa close by his side.

He cannot bear the thought of never again setting foot off this island, of being kept a prisoner for the rest of his days or dying before he is able to see Sansa one more time. If Daenerys cannot be persuaded to join Jon's cause, he won't have just failed in acquiring the forces and weapons necessary to defeat the dead, he will have also risked his freedom and his life. And then what would have been the purpose in all of this? With Jon imprisoned or dead who will stop the Army of the Dead? Who will keep Sansa safe?

He wishes he could turn back time so he could go back to Winterfell and listen to Sansa. Even if he hadn't of come here, at least he would still be in Winterfell where he is strongest, surrounded by people he trusts and admires, with Sansa by his side empowering and supporting him. He would have found another way to defeat the Army of the Dead _without_ Daenerys Targaryen. But it may be too late for that now.

A long, deep sigh escapes Jon and he pulls his furs tighter around his body, burying his face into them. Knowing they were made by Sansa's own hand makes him feel close to her even with the hundreds of miles that separate them, and the smell of lavender from where they hung in Sansa's bed chambers is faint, but it provides Jon with some temporary relief as his mind is flooded with the image of her face.

The relief is only momentary as his body sinks with the sadness of her being so completely out of reach. He cannot comprehend or understand why being apart from her is making him feel so utterly lost, as though he's spinning through infinity with nothing to pull him back. Jon has cared for many people, he has wanted many people in his life whether as family, friends, acquaintances or even lovers, but he has never experienced this feeling of need before.

He doesn't just want to see Sansa or be with Sansa, he _needs_ her.

It's a physical and unconscious emotion completely overpowering that affects not just his mind, but also his heart and his body.

Since it is impossible for him to see her, he keeps his eyes firmly shut and pictures her in his mind clearly, attempting to imagine what she would say to him if she were standing before him right now.

After a few moments his eyes snap open and he knows what he must do.

He cannot give up. He must keep trying. The people in the North chose him to be his King and he will not let them down. He must appeal to Daenerys, show her the truth of his tales and if it must come to it, bend the knee. Whatever it takes to ensure the safety of his people, of Winterfell, of those he cares for, _of Sansa_.

Thoughts of Sansa may have caused him to lose his resolve, but they also provide him with unshakable determination, because just as she is his weakness, she is also his strength.

He may have been temporarily lost, but Sansa pulled him back as she has done endlessly every day since they reunited all those months ago at Castle Black, because she is his heart and his soul.

Sansa is his pull back to _True North_.


End file.
